At first, I wasn’t sure what to call this blog. I wrestled with names for days. I looked everywhere for an idea of the perfect name to describe exactly what I wanted this space to be and what I wanted it to represent. I settled on “A Walk With My Redeemer.” I planned on basing most of my blog off of bible studies, sermons, or other things that I have read or heard.
I wasn’t just “walking with my redeemer.” I was struggling. I was stumbling, falling, tripping, and rolling on the ground 90% of the time. I wasn’t walking through fields of cotton. I was dragging myself through the desert. So “A Walk With My Redeemer” just didn’t feel right for the story I was trying to tell. As a Christian, I don’t ever want to let other people think that Christian’s don’t struggle or even hit rock bottom. It’s all about what you do when you get that low.
I, being as human as I am, screamed. I cussed. I was so angry at the fact that God was allowing “bad things” to happen to me. I was so angry. I was struggling with depression. I was struggling with anxiety. I was struggling to be the wife I knew my husband needed. I was struggling trying to figure out who I was and what my purpose was. I was struggling with something that I will not share here, being as it is extremely personal, because I never thought something so bad could happen to me. I didn’t want to pray. I didn’t want to go to church. I didn’t want to listen to my worship music. I just shut down.
I listened to a song called “Cornerstone” by Hillsong. I made it about a minute in, until I heard “Weak made strong in the savior’s love” and I cut it off. I didn’t feel strong. I felt extremely weak and I didn’t want to hear it. The next Sunday I went back to church. The worship team (which I am blessed to be apart of but was not singing that week) made their way up to our stage and started singing that very same song. The next line, the line that I never made it to without cutting it off, was “THROUGH THE STORM, HE IS LORD, LORD OF ALL.”
It’s safe to say that I cried the entire time and the only thing I could say to myself was “Okay God, I hear you.”
“When what the enemy means for evil, He turns it for our good, and for His glory. Even in the valley He is faithful.”
Something terrible happened to me. But if I can take that “something” and use it to witness to others, to help others, to counsel others, or to guide others, I would do it all 100x over.
I let one week’s worth of bad events completely turn my eyes away from God. But the beauty of that is, that it doesn’t make me a bad Christian. There’s no such thing. We are all just people. Humans. We are not meant to be perfect. We are flawed. We are a beautiful mess. We are all lacking. We are all unqualified warriors in God’s kingdom, not one more worthy than anyone else. Not one more qualified. Not one more deserving. We have ALL fell short. But that’s all in the definition of the word HUMAN. God is supernatural. We have a supernatural weapon in the midst of the storm. Not only God, but the act of giving and receiving and spreading love.
That’s why I changed the name of my blog. Because the life we live on this Earth is a constant battle. Not just for Christians, but for everyone. Different races, religions, cultures, lifestyles. We live in a world of judgement, condemnation, and making sure your life is 100% free of any mistakes whatsoever and completely socially acceptable. We base our losses and victories off of what other people say or believe. It’s a war.
And I have found peace in God. I have found comfort in His word. I have felt His breath refill my lungs when I feel like I’m choking.
He is where I find rest from war.