I Am No Victim

 There are a lot of words that I can’t let roll off of my tongue. I’m not talking about words that we learned from other kids on the playground. Words that burn your ears because it reminds you of something you have tried so hard to forget. 

Victim. 

I never wanted to take on that title. I never thought I would have to. I assumed nothing would ever happen to me because I was strong and I would fight. 

Sexual assault.

I shut down. I was angry. I was hurt. I looked for answers and reasons. I wondered if this was now my worth. I BELIEVED that this was now my worth. 

That Sunday, I didn’t get out of bed for church. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to pray about it. I thought I could just sleep it off. I wanted people to be angry with me (selfish, I know) so, I talked to my sister about everything. She made me pray out loud. The first thing I said without thinking was, “God, I am so angry with you.” Before I knew it, I was 5 minutes deep into a prayer where I was crying, screaming, and completely falling to my knees before God. I wondered how to move forward from this. I wondered how to forgive. I wondered how I was going to use this. As far as I was concerned, there had to be a reason for it. 

I got in my car and turned on my “Drive and Worship” playlist. With one hand on the wheel and one hand stretched out towards God,  reaching for peace.

Psalm 71:20-71 says “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again. From the depths of the Earth, you will bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.”

A very dear friend of mine didn’t get angry when I told her. She simply said, “I mean, I know this is what everyone will say, but just pray about it.” Insert eye roll. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I already knew that. But then, being the Godly woman she is, she said “It’s hard to think of it now, but the Lord could be preparing you for a ministry where girls and other woman have been through the same thing and they need you.”

I realized God could EASILY turn my worst memory into something as beautiful as helping others. In that moment, I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I didn’t want to hurt. I wanted to heal from that hurt and become an example on how far God could carry some one through what they think of as their darkest valley. 

The next Sunday, I was at church. I worshiped loud and proud. I cried. I held my hands as high as they would go. I felt so much comfort in God. The moment I fell apart at His feet was the moment that I felt PURE relief. I was able to take a deep breath again. I was able to sleep at night. I was able to move on with my life.

Am I all better now? No. It’s been over a year, and I am just now getting to the point of complete healing. I am still learning to forgive. I am still working on my anger. I am still looking for the “why”. But now, there is no rush.

A Time For Everything – Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”

God is an on-time God and I know he is standing beside me. He is teaching me faith, patience, compassion, forgiveness, and a million other spiritual life lessons that I was clearly lacking in. 

I am no victim. I am a victor. I am a warrior in the kingdom of God, with an extra peace of armor. I am able, I am overcoming, and most importantly, I am a Child of God. He restores my faith. Takes away any fears I may have. 

Peace doesn’t always come from information. It comes from what you put your faith in. Because mine is in Christ, I will always live in VICTORY. 

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